Once upon a time, people used to talk openly and honestly with each other. That time was Genesis 1 and 2. The following 6000 years or so have been an unending plummet into the death of communication.
Immediately after the Fall in Genesis 3, Adam and Eve began to weave webs of lying, betrayal, mistrust, and an overall inability to communicate honestly with each other and with God. When God starts to question Adam and Eve about what they had done, they respond by feeding God half-truths. Adam tells God, “I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself” (v. 10). This is indeed true. Adam did realize he was naked and was ashamed of that, but there is more to the story. Already he is trying to hide things from God. He knew that he broke God’s command, but he rather noticeably leaves that detail out. Then, when God further questions Adam about the forbidden tree, the response is to blame Eve, who follows that up by blaming the serpent. The bond that God created between Adam and Eve is now being heavily strained because of the inability of Adam and Even to honestly face what they had done and communicate that to God and to each other.
Consider also the story of Joseph. When Joseph’s brothers become jealous of Joseph, they do not talk to him about it to see if they can work it out. Instead, they throw him in a pit and sell him into slavery, patting themselves on the back for taking the moral high ground by not killing their brother. Making assumptions without proper biblical communication with our Christian brothers and sisters leads to rash decision making and unneeded broken relationships.
Now here we are in the 21st century facing these same issues, but with new ways to feed these unhealthy habits. Today, we get to hide behind computer screens, voicemails, text messages, and the “block” button. Our ease of access to travel allows us to literally run thousands of miles away from our problems if we are desperate enough to do so. Even the law, if used unjustly, can provide us with opportunities to avoid healthy communication in the face of relational tension. If communication wasn’t already dead, our destructive use of technology is doing a good job of inching it closer to the grave.
I know that communication is not always an option. That proposition would be an unfair idealized picture of this world. Unfortunately, things can’t always be worked out by talking. There are some crazy people in this world who won’t listen to a word anyone has to say, and they are out to hurt you. Sometimes we truly have to skip the “talking” part for the sake of our lives. But these are extreme circumstances. Most of the time, things are not that serious. At all. The problem is not that people are protecting themselves from those who are truly evil and dangerous; rather, it’s that people are jumping to those kind of extremes well before they are necessary. We are a far too dramatic people. Despite the fact that we are constantly called to relational unity in Scripture, our sinful nature fights against that unity. Working things out as fellow heirs with Christ is part of what it means to be a Christian. This is why Paul pleads with the Corinthians to refrain from going to the law to file charges against a Christian brother (1 Cor. 6:1-11). Christians will one day have some part in judging the world (v. 2). If this is the case, then how heartbreaking is it that Christians in the Corinthian church were so “incompetent to try trivial cases” (v.2)? If we can’t even work out little disagreements between ourselves, how are we supposed to fulfill our future duties of judging the world? Almost all of the arguments, conflicts, and disagreements we will have in this life will fit under this category of “trivial”. Yet still we cut people off without giving it a thought, because we would rather hide from our problems than face them.
The death of any relationship is never on the person who makes the first, or even the most, mistakes. It is on the person who is unwilling to communicate openly and honestly with one another. Remember, however, that true biblical communication is a two-way street. Open and honest communication does not mean you just yell all of your truest feelings, though sometimes that may be part of it. It also means listening – listening with an unbiased ear and a godly love for the other person. Communication takes humility, as we put the needs and cares of another before our own.
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” – James 1:19
It may be easy to read something like this and think of someone else that sucks at communicating. And I’m sure there are those kinds of people in your life. But even as I write these things I am reminded that my eyes must be turned inward through self-examination. We all struggle with this. None of us want to come face to face with our own failures in any situation, and that is why we avoid communication in conflict. When it comes to communication, we must remember Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” So long as it depends on you. Take that log out of your own eye and do what you can to work towards peace through honest communication. You. Not your friend or your spouse or your co-worker. We cannot live our lives trying to apply Scripture to other people’s lives. That will not get us anywhere. Consider how you fail to communicate in a godly way, and look to Christ to perfect that in you. Ideally, the people around you will do the same, but in such a sinful world that won’t always happen. So live peaceably with others…so long as it depends on you. And when it does not, find comfort in the fact that you did the right thing, and trust that God will one day bring about redemption to all things. Even the most broken relationships.