Why are so many people, and so many teenagers in particular, so lonely all of the time? Many will point to the way in which our culture has shaped us and shifted our focus and our desires. In a society that is basically run by electronics, it’s hard to argue against that. It’s true that people are isolating themselves inside their TV screens and cell phones. We’ve continued to tighten the chains around our arms and legs as we enslave ourselves to the rule and reign of our electronics. We have exchanged genuine relationships with the people around us for the lies of “followers” and Facebook “friends”. Thankfully, there has been a growing awareness of these issues (thank you to Chick-Fil-A who recently offered free meals to families who turned in their cell-phones during their meals so they could focus on their family!), but we still have a long way to go. These outside forces we give ourselves over to have deeply affected our ability to have relationships with those around us, but I believe there is an even deeper issue. This issue is sin. Everyone wants to complain about the people who have hurt them, and there is real hurt in those situations that needs to be dealt with and worked through. However, what many people fail to realize is that we have hurt ourselves more than anyone else has ever hurt us. The real reason, I believe, people are so lonely is our own selfishness.
God tells us multiple times that He is always with us (Josh. 1:9; Isaiah 41:10; Deut. 31:6; Matt. 28:20; Heb. 13:5). On top of that, we are told in Scripture to find our satisfaction and our joy in God alone and to always be content (Ps. 16:11, 17:15, 37:4; Phil. 4:11-12). If these things are true, if God is our truest friend (John 15:15) who will never leave us and in whom we can find all of our satisfaction, then we shouldn’t have a need for any friends or any family or really any community at all. After all, we are satisfied in God. But wait. Doesn’t God also command us to live a life with other people? Didn’t he say in the garden that it was not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18)? This seems like it could be a little complicated, or even contradictory. Does this mean we should be almost completely satisfied in God, but we also need other people? So we aren’t really satisfied in God (only mostly) until we’ve also found other people with whom we can enjoy life. I think this is where our sinful, selfish hearts have skewed our thinking. The relationships we have in this life are not about us. In fact, the Bible makes it clear that the reason we have these relationships is for the other people. Never does the Bible tell us to enter into community and fellowship so that we might solve our loneliness. In fact, if you look at most of the Bible verses about community, love, friendship, and family, they are almost entirely focused on Scripture’s commands for us. We are called to stir up one another to good works, to bear each other’s burdens, and to work together to advance the cause of Christ and help those who are helpless (Heb. 10:24-25; Gal. 6:2; Rom. 12:3-13; 1 Thess. 5:14). When we focus on using our relationships to solve our own issues and insecurities, we are left feeling lonely.Our relationships must be outward focused. The only real mention of loneliness and other people is in Genesis 2 where God mentions that it is not good for man to be alone. This, some might say, is proof that other people are meant to make us feel less lonely – that we need them in order to be satisfied. However, I do not think that this is the case. It’s very interesting that Scripture does not mention anywhere that Adam felt lonely. It does not mention Adam complaining of his lack of satisfaction or completeness in God. In a pre-Fall world, it would be ridiculous to say that Adam couldn’t find his complete joy in His relationship with God. For all intents and purposes, God was all that Adam needed. Adam was not lonely because He had a relationship with God.
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” – Psalm 16:11
Our ultimate goal should be to reach the level of comfort Adam had in his relationship with God. Granted, in this broken world we will never reach that point. But that’s where we should be headed. Keeping our eyes fixed on that goal will save us from entering into purely selfish relationships. Instead, we can shift our focus to the main reason we are called to enter into healthy relationships: others. Rather than becoming obsessed with the need for someone to love us, we can focus on being a good friend, spouse, or family member. We can learn to be there for them. We can learn to show them our unconditional love. We can point them to Christ’s goodness rather than seeking praise for our own goodness to them. We can give genuine compliments that are not fueled by a desire to make someone like us. Overall, by finding our satisfaction in Christ, we can become the kind of people who bring the love of God to the world around us.
The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: “If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?” But the good Samaritan reversed the question: “If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
There are certainly great benefits we can find when we enter into relationships with other people. We can find people who will be there for us when we are hurting, who will laugh with us, love us, encourage us, help us grow, and just overall make life better as we get to smile and have fun with those whom we love, and who love us. The point is not that we can reap no benefits whatsoever from having good relationships with other people. That is an idea that is anti-Scripture (Ecc. 4:9-12). Scripture encourages us to be relational. People are good for us and we can celebrate in that. The point, instead, is that those benefits we reap should not be our primary focus. In fact, that is utterly selfish and conceited if the only reason we enter into a relationship with someone is because of how they make us feel. We are called to be servants. We are called to demonstrate God’s love to those around us. These commands do not change if we aren’t getting what we want out of the relationship. So, yes, we should rejoice in thankfulness for the joys we receive from good friends and a loving family. But if that is our primary motivational goal for our relationships, we will be left feeling lonely. Instead, we must find our comfort in the friendship of Christ. Christ, the King and Judge of the Universe has offered us friendship. Friendship with God! What a unique and undeserving opportunity we have been given by a loving and merciful God. If we can continue to look upward for the satisfaction of our loneliness, then all of the sudden the pressure we have put on our friends, co-workers, spouses, siblings, and parents to solve our loneliness will be gone. They will be free, and so will we. And that will open us up to a much richer and deeper relationship with the people around us – a relationship that is truly grounded in our genuine desire to love one another, rather than a selfish need to fix our loneliness.