Have you ever noticed how every “ex” was a jerk? “She was crazy.” “He never listened to me or cared about my feelings.” “She never took responsibility for her contributions to our issues.” “He was a lazy good for nothing child who never helped around the house.” “She just constantly nagged me.” “He only wanted this relationship for sex.” “She would never shut up.” “He was emotionally abusive.” And on and on it goes. In every story we hear, and even the stories we tell, the other person is the bad guy.
Everyone writes themselves as the heroes of their own stories, and unfortunately today we are always the victims of our own stories too.
The world we live in is a horrible, disgusting, sinful, and broken place. Open your eyes and you will be blown away by the horror stories you’ll hear from every corner of the globe. Unfortunately, heartbreaking things happen to people who don’t seem to have done anything to deserve it. Our world is filled with victims of abuse, anger, sexual assault, murder, bullying, and neglect. Even on a smaller scale, all of us are victims of offences like favoritism, gossip, slander, and harsh words. On some level, everyone is a victim. Whether it be murder or simply an unkind word, we have all been mistreated. These are the wounds we carry as a result of living in a sinful world.
The issue comes not in our recognition that we have been and will again be the victims of evil, but rather in the lens through which we choose to view our lives. We cannot see ourselves primarily as victims, but rather as victim makers. It doesn’t matter how bad of a hand you have been dealt in life, your starting position was always as a sinner in rebellion against a holy God. Only when we begin to truly understand this will we be able to grow.
Jesus addresses this very same idea in Matthew 7:3-5 where He says, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye. You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” You may be a victim of the speck-eyed guy down the street, but Jesus says that you were a log-eyed criminal first. Rather than wallowing in self-pity at how the world is against us, we should be reflecting on the greatest victim-maker we know: ourselves.
We are all victims, but more than that we are all victim-makers. In fact, the biggest victim that we have all made is ourselves. We are all victims of our own stupid choices. No one has betrayed you, lied to you, hurt you, stolen from you, and abused you more than you have. This is a hard truth to face. No one wants to come clean about their own shortcomings and failures. So what do we do? We run from it, and play the victim card.
By viewing ourselves as the victim in every circumstance, we have found an easy way out. We use victimization as a means to cope. When we choose to see ourselves first and foremost as the victim, we minimize our own wrongdoing and elevate our experiences above all else. It’s a problem of pride. Focusing on the ways in which we’ve been mistreated shifts all of the wrongdoing onto someone else, thus removing all sin and guilt from ourselves. Not only that, but it also places us in the center of attention. In a culture where everyone thinks the world revolves around them, victimization has offered us another opportunity to play out this narrative.
As with most issues, there is a ditch on the other side as well: the ditch of guilt. Ironically, this ditch is simply another way for our pride to manifest. Now, rather than playing the victim card, we are playing the self-pity card. We have swung from the position of “everyone is out to get me” and into the position of self-hatred. This is not the answer to the “victimization of self” movement. Not everything is your fault. The full-extent of the blame for a situation does not always fall on you. Remember, other people have a speck in their eye too. We do not blame ourselves for everything, we just have to recognize our identity as criminals in God’s court. And this recognition should drive us not to shame, but to the cross.
If anyone had a reason to play the victim card, it was Paul. He was stoned, rejected, beaten, imprisoned, slandered, and hated. It would have been easy for Paul to mope around and complain to all of the churches about how he’d been mistreated. Instead, we find a very striking attitude from Paul. We see a man who rejoices in his sufferings (Rom. 5:3-5, Col. 1:24) and prays for those who have wronged him (Romans 12:14-21). Not only that, but Paul says of himself, “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.” Paul had every right to play the victim card, but he didn’t. Instead, he sees the gravity of his own sin and responds in thankfulness for the grace of God that has been offered to him. He sees himself as he really is: the foremost of sinners.
Let me be clear, this is not the message to go out and preach to victims of sexual abuse or other serious crimes. The takeaway is not that victims of trauma should blame themselves for what happened. If you have been abused, you need to know that it is not your fault. We should never minimize the pain of those who have been horribly mistreated by others. This message, instead, is a matter of starting point. In order to faithfully walk alongside Christ in this life, we must remember where we began. We must see ourselves just as Paul saw himself, as “the foremost of sinners”. If we live our lives through that lens, I think we’ll all find ourselves a little more loving, a little more gracious, and a little less prideful.
Jovan