Let me preface this by saying the thing I know my dad would say if I shared these thoughts with him in person. My dad, technically speaking, did not teach me anything of value. All good things have come from the Lord alone, and it is His Spirit working in me that has truly taught me these lessons. I have an incredible father, and I can never thank God enough for the gift he has been in my life. But of course, he is also a flawed man, like any other, and thus has taught me plenty of lessons I still need to unlearn, too. Because of this, and because I know it is what my dad would believe with all his heart, I hope that no glory would come to my father through this article. Instead, I hope that this would honor my dad in the way I am commanded to honor my parents, while bringing all the glory to Christ alone. Hopefully, these lessons will paint some picture of how Christ has chosen to reveal Himself to me through my dad. Let my dad decrease so that Christ might increase.

1. My Dad is My Brother

Our lives are an intricate web of complex relationships. This can become abundantly clear at milestone events: graduations, weddings, childbirths, and funerals. Suddenly there is an odd hodgepodge of different people all in one place as parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, old friends, new friends, coworkers, in-laws, and more come together to celebrate or mourn. Of course, some of these relationships hold more weight than others, a fact that is especially relevant at weddings, when the bride and groom have to narrow down wedding parties and guest lists. On the “Which relationships are most important?” question, father nears the top of the list. The statistics related to how a loving, present father affects a child are astounding—so astounding, in fact, that it’s tempting to say the fatherhood crisis is the most critical issue in our country at the moment. This context makes the first lesson my dad taught me a bit shocking. My dad being my dad is not the most important relationship I have with him.

One day when I was in high school, my dad told me something along the lines of, “I am no longer your father, but your brother.” When I was old enough that I had made my faith truly my own, and was trusting and pursuing Christ as my Lord and Savior, and was making most of my own decisions, my dad had a shift in mindset. It wasn’t as if he completely stopped being my dad in every sense of the word. Of course I am still commanded to honor my father for the rest of my life. We will always have the special earthly bond of father and son. But he knew, as I now know, that there are bonds even deeper than blood. As great as my dad is, he is not my true Father. We have the same Father, and He is far better. When God adopted me into His family, those relationships became the most important of my life, whether I realize it or not. I am truly connected to the missionary across the world who is suffering persecution, and that connection is far deeper and far more eternal than the one I have with my unbelieving family members. Our emotions can often misguide us here. There is a lot more emotion involved with our earthly family members, but Christ repeatedly emphasizes that these relationships are not as important as the heavenly family we have been adopted into (Matt 12:46-50; Mk 3:31-35; Lk 8:19-21; Lk 9:57-62; Lk 14:26). This should not make you think less of your earthly relationships, but more of your heavenly relationships. My dad will of course always be my dad, but that is not the primary way we relate. First and foremost, we relate to one another by the blood of Christ, and that is a beautiful thing. Our deepest bond will never be through our relationship as father and son, but rather through our mutual relationship to Christ. My dad is my dad for a little while, but he will be my brother for eternity.

“The more genuine and the deeper our community becomes, the more will everything else between us recede, the more clearly and purely will Jesus Christ and his work become the one and only thing that is vital between us…We are bound together by faith, not by experience.”

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

2. Little Things Matter

I have many memories of my whole family sitting in the car in the driveway ready to head off to some event together. Well, my whole family, that is, except for my dad. He would be off trimming rose bushes or something, because as we sat down in the car he noticed some random issue that needed to be fixed. I don’t even really remember any of the tasks he would be working on, but I do remember waiting in the car, tight on time, while my dad worked to get some small task done. Not remembering what these tasks were is part of the point, though. Just because they are forgotten and seemed insignificant does not mean they were. The little things mattered and my dad always took pride in doing them the right way, even if that made us a little late to Thanksgiving. (I did inherit his timeliness, too.)

In the grand scheme of things, as far as the world is concerned, my dad is small and insignificant. When he is gone, he will be forgotten. I say this not as an insult, but rather to state the reality that is most of our lives. This is a good thing, believe it or not. It is best that the world not revolve around any one of us. This is God’s story, not mine or my dad’s or yours or even the most influential historical figure’s. The Lord will complete His story and His mission without us.

This does not mean that our part in the story is irrelevant. Instead, it means that every single part is infinitely relevant. My dad is the farthest thing from an influencer. He doesn’t even have social media, unless we are counting his new Goodreads account to help him track his reading. The marks he has left on this world are not obvious. His marks fill in the crevices of life and take place behind the scenes, largely unnoticed. During my lifetime, he has worked as a mechanic, maintenance manager for a church, Amazon delivery driver, and now maintenance manager for a school. Through these positions, he has blessed me with countless opportunities to see the “dirty work”, so to speak. He often described his position as that of an offensive lineman: the less a lineman is noticed, the better. When he gets noticed, it’s usually because something has gone wrong, such as a holding call or sack of the quarterback. When he isn’t noticed, things are running smoothly. Just like a lineman, though, my dad’s jobs were essential. Cars, churches, and schools wouldn’t run without him. And like an offensive lineman, he almost always goes under-appreciated. But the Lord sees and the Lord blesses every small work that is done for His glory. Even if no one else in the world notices, God does, and that is far more valuable than man’s empty praise. God was pleased every time my dad replaced some breaks, fixed an A/C, organized his toolbox, delivered a package, hung up a shelf, dug up some broken sprinklers, made my mom laugh, or spent a few hours talking to his kids.

This is a helpful reminder for my own life, too. In a world that wants everything to always be bigger and better, we should remember that the little things matter. Despite what the movies tell you, life does not have to be grand in order to be satisfying. Every time I make my wife coffee in the morning, it matters. When I grade a paper that my student will just throw away and never think about again, it matters. Every book I read matters. Every blog post I write for my 6 readers matters. The Lord does not value the things that the world values. In C.S. Lewis’ The Great Divorce, it was Sarah Smith, the woman that no one had ever heard of, who had the most extravagant procession of people honoring her.

If the Lord cares for such little things as the birds, the lilies, and the hairs on your head, then so should you. So tend to your rosebushes, or whatever it was my dad was doing while we waited in the car.

“Some men think that religion lies in great things. It does not, it lies in little things…Our life is made up of little things, and if we are not careful of little things, we shall not be careful of great ones. If we do not take care of little things, the great ones must go wrong.”

– Charles Spurgeon, Spurgeon’s Sermons, Vol 2

3. Apologize to Your Kids

This has perhaps been the most influential memory I have of my dad. I do not remember my particular transgression, but I had made some poor choice as a child and gotten myself into a bit of trouble. Though I don’t remember the sin, I do vividly remember my dad coming into my room some time later and apologizing. He apologized for yelling and for his attitude of frustration towards me. He was very clear about my own sin. He emphasized that I did deserve to be in trouble, but that he should have handled my consequence in a better way. This was not the only time my dad apologized to me. There were a handful of others, this is just the first I remember, and thus the most impactful.

Since then, I have always been very intentional about apologizing. I have probably thought through what it means to apologize and how apologies should look more carefully than most. Here are a few general things I believe when it comes to apologizing.

First, don’t apologize if you didn’t do anything wrong. Simple, but profound. Many people apologize to avoid an argument or to move on. Bad idea. Apologies, when done correctly, are a form of repentance. If you did not sin against your neighbor, don’t apologize. Second, it should go without saying, but if you commit a sin against another person, make sure you actually do apologize for your actions. Your actions. Let me be clear: when you apologize, it needs to be for your sin, not for the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry you felt that way” is a nice method for excusing your sin and shifting responsibility. You are implying that your actions weren’t actually sinful, you just wish your actions hadn’t made someone else feel negative feelings. My dad did not apologize for making me feel bad. In fact, in my scenario, I should have felt bad. I did something wrong. He apologized for his actions alone and he clearly stated what those actions were. Lastly, ask for forgiveness. Some form of, “I hope you can forgive me” or “Will you forgive me?” or something of the sort is always a nice finale to an apology. It shows the other person that you are putting yourself at their mercy. You are the criminal, and the word “sorry” is not some form of currency with which you can buy forgiveness. It must be given freely. So don’t expect it, ask for it.

One bonus thought on accepting apologies. If you have been sinned against, please don’t respond with “It’s okay”. It’s not okay! Hurting others, sinning against others, lying, hating, stealing, and the rest are the farthest thing from “okay”. Jesus didn’t die on a cross for something that was “okay”. He died on the cross because there was evil that needed to be defeated. Our actions were so not okay that God’s wrath was coming for us. If someone truly sins against you, please do not try to make them feel better by telling them it’s okay. Tell them these far more powerful words: “I forgive you.” Forgiveness is what we all really need, so demonstrate the love of Christ by extending that forgiveness to others.

Apologizing is not weak, it is one of the strongest things a person can do. Humility is a sign of leadership and love. My dad apologizing to me that day has led me to take seriously the act of apologizing to others. My pride still makes it hard and scary. There are plenty of times I should repent of something I’ve done but fail to do so. But in five years of teaching, not a year has passed where I haven’t apologized to my class and to individual students on multiple occasions, and I credit all of that to my dad. One day, if the Lord blesses me with children of my own, I hope I’m as strong as him, and I hope I apologize to my children often.

“A great deal of our anxiety comes from not really believing in [the forgiveness of sins], from thinking that God will not take us to Himself again unless He is satisfied that some sort of case can be made out in our favour. But that would not be forgiveness at all. Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it. That, and only that, is forgiveness, and that we can always have from God if we ask for it.”

– C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory